bottled feelings

Lately, I have not been feeling good...emotionally, mentally and morally. Studying here has been a revelation to an extent, can be too much to digest or gulp. It is not about the difficulty in language and understanding but mainly, the realization of things around us. Being conscious politically or mostly being aware of humanism. I talked to a classmate who I really think understands what had been going on about the need to disorient ourselves and taking every bit of truth with a whole load of salt. About how, we have been manipulated all this while for the good and bad . It is not totally wrong but at least made us aware but will we obey if we are knowledgeable of the agenda?

 

 I really felt like locking myself away from the world except with the company of my husband. I do not want to converse with other people. I just feel helpless and guilty- primarily, for telling people to be concern of their life and putting food on the table when in fact, knowledge is not all about that. Guilty as hell too to the Palestinians as I realised it is no longer about religious conflict but mainly, the dangers of racism. Sadly in this millenium right under our liberal nose, culture superiority still exists. This do not give any exception to my beloved country although I am glad that probably, majority of us are harmonious people. I really cannot say it...it is just too heart-breaking even though I would love to make people aware of the Rohingya issue. I just teared looking at vids of racial oppression existing in SEA, the region that I am so proud to be from. Friends in FB think that I am having a tough time studying. They just do not know that it is not that. I just cannot explain it. I just cannot bear to break their happiness especially when I see the happy posts of their daily life. I wish I can reach out to my beloved students to open their eyes and do something for the good of human. Do something to stop all these prejudice. By doing something, I mean NOT by starting a JIHAD or a revolution but to ERASE the mindset that you are superior than anyone , that you have the right to treat others badly or degrade them just because they are different from what you think and you have the right to decide for them. Arrogance a devious trait, root of injustice, blinds one from respect.

 

Ya Allah, You really made me realize only You can be the just ruler of this world. You never judge us although You know our fate and destiny. You never decide for us although you already know what we will choose. But Please Allah, Please make our rulers in this world just and fair. Please make the Israelis realize their mistake and repent so that their future generation will not oppress the Palestinians and other races.Please protect the innocents of racial and any kind of prejudice. Please Allah eliminate Orientalism. Please guide me, my husband and my family. Grant me the strength to do good in life and spread Your good words. Amin.

Ramblings on my dissertaion

I wake up again wondering about my dissertation: The transition of Orientalism in Southeast Asian films produced by Western directors.

Mainly I do want to know if Orientalism still exist and despite of many inter-racial marriage, cooperation and the economic interest now shifting to China an example of the Orient, there are still strands of Orientalism. Or Orientalism has been weaved in between Western hipocrysies in the name of democracy, including the super power Orient in their scheme or whatever they are doing right now to strengthen their position as world dominant power? Only God knows. Everything seems to be sceptic and every move seems to be doubtful especially after hearing about 'The Clash of Civilisations' theory by Huntington in Youtube.

 

The challenge will be in me, changing my mindset and looking at every strands logically and rationally as signs of Orientalism. This self who had been orientated by my beloved country that the Malays are backward, Malays are never good enough in keeping up with progress, the Malays tainted race with social problems like teen pregancy, drugs, divorce...identities that only the middle class or lower Malays know. The elite Malays though some genuinely aware of these, others take it as it is not their issue any more once they leave the economic social status. So orientalism to me is not only about the East and the West but includes too cultural, economic and social  status, religion, racial superiority within the West community as well as the East community. Another point to highlight is even though the holy union between two races in marriage, it does not only focus between the east and the west, I believe the choice of partner too plays a part in strengthening the concept of Orientalism or even Nationalism but it is undeniable too that certain matrimony arise from equality or the thing called love. I remembered a wonderful friend who married out of the Eastern race because his husband, the West, not only portrays good humble character but in fact accept her for who and what she is. Sadly in my own race, marrying a girl who is born out of wedlock is a taboo, a corruption of good bloodline. A good, educated Malay family rejected her just because of that and is that liberation of the mind in that family? Mind me, my friend is an intelligent young lady. After her marriage, the sight of her husband enthusiasm in absorbing the culture miraculously rooted her and in this case, their marriage is Said's vision of erasing the Occident and the Orient. Unlike many marriages that I have observed 'superficially', the husbands do not make any or little attempt to mingle or even absorb the wife's culture sincerely. What is even sad, the wives usually are treated like slaves to please the husband in the name of 'Malay' culture and 'Islam' teaching. Orientalism? To some of you, you will agree with me that colonialism of the mind is worst that colonialism of a country.

 

How do I separate myself from thinking colonially, thinking like an orientalist when I am a product of successfull colonialism and orientalism?  When I believe that there needs to be a superior status or perhaps I should or must erase the quality of superior in a leader? A good leader leads justly without feeling that he or she is superior in nature just like how a king is considered a superior and heavenly descendant. In all, I have to disorient myself to reach the destination. Which brings to the question if the transition of Orientalism in an influential media a positive or negatine one? I sincerely need a good lecturer to guide me in my understanding.