A friend that will still be in your ship.

Assalamualaikum Melati,

what actually makes a friendship? Two or more people who shares the same interest or is it history or spawns from genuine feeling of care and concern? I used to have a friend, S, that I did many crazy things. Being with her opened up a brand new experience with many uncertainties in life. It opened my eyes on the other true essence of life; living a life that is opened to many possibilities that in return humbled me as I anchored to nothingness all alone. Not really all alone but with a friend, R, that breathed a hope in life that turned me into a passionate lady in her 20s. Somehow, I got all deluded by the current situation at that time and forgot all the good things my friends, R & J, had done for me. I know it was because I used to be easily bended and swayed by others at that moment, I just wanted to strongly stick to what I believe and be all righteous. However along the roller coaster ride and mainly after that, I just think that true friendship is someone who can accept you for better or worst and just treasure friendship at the end of the day after being hurt. I believe no one is really out there to intentionally hurt their friends. It taught me too that even though I may not agree, I do not have to agree and follow them just to be friends. I just have to be quiet and respect their way of thinking. I still have S kindergarten graduation pic. I am sure she is reluctant to reply due to whatever reason that I simply could not remember on how I had offended her. I hope we can talk about it for a closure and frankly, I do not expect us to be buddies like before but at least to move on as I learnt what I should not do in a friendship. For R & J, I did make an attempt especially to R but I guess her heart has closed for me. I do wish them all the best especially right now, I am in my 30s and hoping to be a mother some day.

What is death?

I used to perceive death as unfair, loss, scary and hurtful. Unfair because at a tender age of 9, I do not understand why Allah suddenly took someone away from your life even though you had been good. Loss, I do not know why there is such a huge void of emptiness in me when I do not see the person anymore. Scary, why the dead is wrapped like a mummy and put in the ground when it is told later that they would be brought to life and questioned by Munkar Nakir. Hurtful to see so much tears. It took me a long time to understand death and the true meaning of ' Tuhan yang menentukan ajal maut seseorang'. As a Muslim, all I am suppose to do is 'berserah kepada Allah' because Allah is the One who decides everything and nothing can happen without Allah's consent. Sincerely, I feel more calm embracing that. It is not easy especially when I really want to make a difference and to be in control but Allah's lesson on life  has taughts me to eventually surrender to Allah as Allah decides what is for you and what can be done to you. Al-Fatehah to my late Yayi, Kasiman ( A dear big brother to my grandpa, Yayi Sias) and to the dearest little Nur who suffered from heart problem and was about to go for treatment but Allah has greater plan for you and for us.To an FB acquiantance who is fighting with cancer and the doctor said that she has only 10% of survival, semoga Allah memberi kamu kekuatan melalui semua ini dan memanjangkan umur kamu buat seketika demi anak-anak yang sedang membesar. An old flame reminded me several times: Fainna maal usri yusra. Inna maal usri yusra. I hope Allah gives me the means to help those in need. Amin.

10th June 2006- Haji Kasiman Bin Liham

Today my granduncle passed away after months of poor health. I am just not ready to post anything. Perhaps the next time when I am more stable.

Intimidate

Do I look intimidating? Seriously. I am obviously not the friendliest person on Earth but I am actually not a bad person. It seems like most people are having the hot and cold Katy Perry's effect on me. The vibes are like 'I have to be better than you' or 'You think you are mighty than me'. Seriously, I need to see what I am doing that makes people think like that of me. I know that people do not expect much from me but when suddenly, they found out that I somehow exceed a certain expectation and they dropped their jaw or shrieked in disbelief. I always believe that Allah Taala yang menentukan segalanya but please, do not think that I am proud and suddenly, I looked down upon you probably because we do not have the same PNGK. My husband said that I am haughty and i can be sarcastic. I see myself as easily irritated and a sceptic. I seriously need to do something about myself but i refuse to be a victim. Seriously, look at my face and tell me, how intimidating can that face be? I cannot give you a million dollar but at least, you will be doing a great favour in making me a better Muslim. By the way, the pic was taken by my China boy and i was imitating their usual pose but I just cannot bring myself to make the 'act-cute' face.

A friend shared this on FB and instantly, my eyes glittered and my heart floated into the joyful memories of the 80s. The first time my parents brought my sis (who is 2 years my junior) and I to Toa Payoh National Library. That was one of the precious gifts my parents got me despite us living humbly in a rented flat at lorong 5. As cliche as it sounds, the gift of knowledge. I really felt like a million dollars being exposed to racks and racks of books and immediately, i ran to fairy tales and Aesop fables, my first love. Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales were my good source of moral education and perhaps, if Allah izinkan, I will be reading it to my daughters so that she will embrace good characteristics of The Little Mermaid, Thumbelina and even Snow White from the Grimm's bothers. Talking about the Grimm's brothers, rumour has it that they are not the actual author of several fairy tales but in actual facts, these stories were before passed through word of mouth probably decades ago before Grimm just like Puisi lama and Kisah Bawang Putih Bawang Merah, Laksama Bintan and many more Malay folktales. However, the main point here is that books has and will always be a great source of moral values for young kids instead of Ipad, Youtube and television.

Being a librarian once crossed my mind but believe it or not that at that young age, i did wish to be an archaeologist basically I got hooked by the mysterious Pharaohs, the legendary Romans and philosophically intrigued by Greek mythology. At 8 or even earlier than that because my uncle introduced me to Clash of the Titans movie starring Laurence Olivier with his 70s dashing layers of hairs. Growing up around books was amazing and thanks to that, I learnt to pick up English in a household of Malays and Javanese speaking adults. I am definitely not a genius or speak English as fluent as an educated native English speaker but good enough to score an eight for my IELTS. Berkat usahaku dan keredhaan Allah Ta'ala. Insya-Allah if all goes well, I will be stepping into London's kingdom of knowledge in September. I hope that I can do very well.

Do you travel?

I have always enjoy travelling especially after my very first trip to part of Europe. It was with my close friend, Nora, who i knew since i was 19. We tagged along her sister who had a work conference at Amsterdam. From Amsterdam, we took a train to Belgium and then stayed a couple days at Luxembourgh before making our way to Denmark from Schiphol.

After that it was my honeymoon in one of my favourite cities in the world, Rome, the land of the gladiators where Julius Caesar once ruled. My first time bringing my newbie husband travelling across continents to the most romantic city in the world. Then it was Bali, going back to the roots of Hinduism that was once our religion in the archipelago. London was next together with my family as a treat for them. It is one of my favourite cities too and perhaps, if Allah is willing, that will be the place my ambition and dreams materialise.  2010, my husband planned a vacation to Turkey where we were amazed not only by history but also development of Islam, our faith. Allah Maha Besar! Allah Maha Besar! In this world lies the secret of our maker, Allah Subhanallah Hi Wa Taala.

A close friend of mine shared with me that she first travelled at the age of 16 and that was to London. Her mum actually saved every penny to expand her daughter's mind and thoughts although she is a single mum and they were living in a one-roomed flat. She told me her mum had always value education and that is the reason why all 5 of her daughters are degree holders despite losing their sole bread winner at a very young age. I hope to be that kind of mother. Insya-Allah.