bottled feelings

Lately, I have not been feeling good...emotionally, mentally and morally. Studying here has been a revelation to an extent, can be too much to digest or gulp. It is not about the difficulty in language and understanding but mainly, the realization of things around us. Being conscious politically or mostly being aware of humanism. I talked to a classmate who I really think understands what had been going on about the need to disorient ourselves and taking every bit of truth with a whole load of salt. About how, we have been manipulated all this while for the good and bad . It is not totally wrong but at least made us aware but will we obey if we are knowledgeable of the agenda?

 

 I really felt like locking myself away from the world except with the company of my husband. I do not want to converse with other people. I just feel helpless and guilty- primarily, for telling people to be concern of their life and putting food on the table when in fact, knowledge is not all about that. Guilty as hell too to the Palestinians as I realised it is no longer about religious conflict but mainly, the dangers of racism. Sadly in this millenium right under our liberal nose, culture superiority still exists. This do not give any exception to my beloved country although I am glad that probably, majority of us are harmonious people. I really cannot say it...it is just too heart-breaking even though I would love to make people aware of the Rohingya issue. I just teared looking at vids of racial oppression existing in SEA, the region that I am so proud to be from. Friends in FB think that I am having a tough time studying. They just do not know that it is not that. I just cannot explain it. I just cannot bear to break their happiness especially when I see the happy posts of their daily life. I wish I can reach out to my beloved students to open their eyes and do something for the good of human. Do something to stop all these prejudice. By doing something, I mean NOT by starting a JIHAD or a revolution but to ERASE the mindset that you are superior than anyone , that you have the right to treat others badly or degrade them just because they are different from what you think and you have the right to decide for them. Arrogance a devious trait, root of injustice, blinds one from respect.

 

Ya Allah, You really made me realize only You can be the just ruler of this world. You never judge us although You know our fate and destiny. You never decide for us although you already know what we will choose. But Please Allah, Please make our rulers in this world just and fair. Please make the Israelis realize their mistake and repent so that their future generation will not oppress the Palestinians and other races.Please protect the innocents of racial and any kind of prejudice. Please Allah eliminate Orientalism. Please guide me, my husband and my family. Grant me the strength to do good in life and spread Your good words. Amin.

Ramblings on my dissertaion

I wake up again wondering about my dissertation: The transition of Orientalism in Southeast Asian films produced by Western directors.

Mainly I do want to know if Orientalism still exist and despite of many inter-racial marriage, cooperation and the economic interest now shifting to China an example of the Orient, there are still strands of Orientalism. Or Orientalism has been weaved in between Western hipocrysies in the name of democracy, including the super power Orient in their scheme or whatever they are doing right now to strengthen their position as world dominant power? Only God knows. Everything seems to be sceptic and every move seems to be doubtful especially after hearing about 'The Clash of Civilisations' theory by Huntington in Youtube.

 

The challenge will be in me, changing my mindset and looking at every strands logically and rationally as signs of Orientalism. This self who had been orientated by my beloved country that the Malays are backward, Malays are never good enough in keeping up with progress, the Malays tainted race with social problems like teen pregancy, drugs, divorce...identities that only the middle class or lower Malays know. The elite Malays though some genuinely aware of these, others take it as it is not their issue any more once they leave the economic social status. So orientalism to me is not only about the East and the West but includes too cultural, economic and social  status, religion, racial superiority within the West community as well as the East community. Another point to highlight is even though the holy union between two races in marriage, it does not only focus between the east and the west, I believe the choice of partner too plays a part in strengthening the concept of Orientalism or even Nationalism but it is undeniable too that certain matrimony arise from equality or the thing called love. I remembered a wonderful friend who married out of the Eastern race because his husband, the West, not only portrays good humble character but in fact accept her for who and what she is. Sadly in my own race, marrying a girl who is born out of wedlock is a taboo, a corruption of good bloodline. A good, educated Malay family rejected her just because of that and is that liberation of the mind in that family? Mind me, my friend is an intelligent young lady. After her marriage, the sight of her husband enthusiasm in absorbing the culture miraculously rooted her and in this case, their marriage is Said's vision of erasing the Occident and the Orient. Unlike many marriages that I have observed 'superficially', the husbands do not make any or little attempt to mingle or even absorb the wife's culture sincerely. What is even sad, the wives usually are treated like slaves to please the husband in the name of 'Malay' culture and 'Islam' teaching. Orientalism? To some of you, you will agree with me that colonialism of the mind is worst that colonialism of a country.

 

How do I separate myself from thinking colonially, thinking like an orientalist when I am a product of successfull colonialism and orientalism?  When I believe that there needs to be a superior status or perhaps I should or must erase the quality of superior in a leader? A good leader leads justly without feeling that he or she is superior in nature just like how a king is considered a superior and heavenly descendant. In all, I have to disorient myself to reach the destination. Which brings to the question if the transition of Orientalism in an influential media a positive or negatine one? I sincerely need a good lecturer to guide me in my understanding.

 

 

Why polygamy if he is your jodoh?

Polygamy and 'jodoh' have always been intriguing especially the latter on its miraculous occurence. What is actually jodoh? How do you know he or she is your jodoh? How come certain people has several jodohs? Look, if it was jodoh at first but how come it did not last?

As I was googling this mysterious concept, I came across this blog:
http://poissonandme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/jodoh.html ,typed by Dima Marlina.

She mentioned at the bottom line, only Allah knows your jodoh and whether you are with that person on earth or not but you are married. Again, only Allah knows.

This excerpt in the movie Ayat-Ayat Cinta is so powerful on the context of jodoh especially when Aishah said to Fahri," Jodoh itu rahsia Allah."

Those words just humbled me. Really humbled me to a consecrating position physically, emotionally and mentally. A position where I have neither right to demand nor own anything in this world. Everything is on loan and falls under the concept of 'rezeki'. Rezeki comes and goes just like the tides but the essence of rezeki is always there just like water, its only a matter of less or more. That is also on loan cause Allah may dry up all the water in the world and you have nothing left except for Allah. I used to share this saying to someone who dreamt about being rich; if you do not remember Allah in times like this, what makes you think that you will remember Allah in times of wealth and in times of poverty? He replied, " Akak, why are you bursting my bubbles?"

I really think people of great iman is someone who remembers Allah and still lead a life truthfully as a Muslim when he or she is blessed with wealth or tested with poverty. It will be my greatest gift to meet such people and to have an iman like them, will be a true blessing from Allah in this life.

Soon, it is going to mark my 6th year anniversary where I think my husband and I should pray together at night to thank Allah for this rezeki blessed upon us. I hope he is my jodoh but again, i can only hope or I should not hope but just 'redha' cause I am suppose to do my duty as a Muslimah in this world. I pray that Allah will make him a good Muslim because at least, if he is not my jodoh, he is a good servant of Allah.

This concept of 'jodoh' is not easy to comprehend and even if you do understand, do you embrace it? Or do you really understand that the concept of jodoh is leading you to the meaning of Islam? With this understanding, though it is bitter, I have to swallow the concept of polygamy since Rezeki is not mine alone but when Allah wants my Rezeki to be shared, Allah will test my faith. However Allah, please do not burden my Rezeki with things beyond his capability because if You do, for the sake of love and in my pursuit of being a true Muslim; a sincere servant of Yours, I will make the sacrifice and redha atas segala pemberian-Mu, Ya Allah.

Highland Lowland Ying Yang

It had been two weeks plus since we stayed in London. So far it is quite all right and Alhamdulillah, staying a bit out of central London was not a big issue since the tube is working. Please pray that all will be well through out my stay in London in the pursuit of knowledge.

I had made a few friends either of the same Master or even of the same modules. SOAS is really a melting pot of culture, a globalise institution which at its best, never raised an issue of ethnicity (not that I know yet) or even religion. I am glad that I have chosen this path that at this moment parallel to my objectives in life. Pray too that Allah open an excellent career path for my husband to upgrade himself in his forte.

So as I was on my way home, in a tube, staring blankly at neighbourhoods in motion, the mind is reflecting on today's anthropology lecture as well as seminar one the Highlands and the Lowlands. Basically, the Highlands are tribes people that are away from international communication which was at that time trade, mainstream politics, feudal hierarchy or the simplest, tribes that live in places that are difficult to get to like in the deep forest or on the mountain. The Lowlanders are the opposite of all that who lives in the feudal system and has direct communication with the outside world through trade and commerce. So basically, if I am not wrong, we are to discuss on the attributes that define the lowlanders and the highlanders as well as their development thought out the years. I had to read like 4 books on these two groups that made up the Southeast Asian big family since I am doing a presentation on it. So I chose to explore the Philippines who are THANK GOD, the least complex group of people in comparison with the Cambodians. The Cambodians, they are just complex. The Highlanders of Cambodia, they are not like the typical stereotypes of highlanders in Southeast Asia. The Kachins are true rebels with own political system; either Gumlao or Gumsa. I confirmed that it is just in any human being attitude to be unique, to distinguish one from another and even to prove that one is superior than another (somehow, we all have the 'Hitler' syndrome). This is one evil trait that prove to be the most stubborn stain through centuries from the beginning of time.

So back to the Philippines, the Buid ( a representative of the Highlander) people who eventually had to give up some of their traditional beliefs in their perseverance to conserve the forest, the environment that is inherited to them. They used to think Western or even Christianity is the threat to their way of life but in fact, I think it is politics and industrialisation. To create political and economic stability, a country need to be cordon through settlements so that it will be much easier to monitor and control. Policies after policies were passed which interestingly compelled the highlanders to adopt the lowlanders way of life. Yet, there are still remains who stay strong to the essence of their traditional philosophy and principles. Like what Dr Janowski said the relationship between the Highlanders and the Lowlanders is like Ying and Yang. The Highlanders tradition balanced the ecosystem as well as humanity (to me). When that balance is upset, it will not be surprising that  Armageddon is near. The lesson today mainly remind me again and again the importance of balance in life. Traditions too play a part in our life because traditions are knowledge that guide us through life.

Tomorrow...another day for me to reflect and know more about life.

My thoughts on London

I sincerely think that it is weird being a student once again in my 30s. At times, I imagined hearing what is this old heck wrap-up lady doing here, Asia must be poor and that is why peeople in their 30s are continuing their studies...But of course that is not true. It's just my 'schizo' self talking.

So, I had attend many talks and workshop during orientation week. Do I really know people? Nope but I did talk and made acquaintances along the way. People do not really talk to me probably cause we are of a different wavelength and I am most definitely not ready to open up yet.

I had updated a lot via FB but here will just be what I truy feel about living as a student here. Basically, London is a NICE city with non-judgmental people. I just shared with a lady to buy a scarf yesterday. A stranger who is confused and just could not agree on buying a third piece of scarf. Its fate. Allah decide who I shall bump and talk to everyday.

Do I miss food? Not really since there are Asian stuffs available and it helps a lot that I am staying with Malaysians who are great at cooking and loooooove cooking. Somehow, UM days are always near to the heart.

I am sure that everywhere we go, we just have to be open and less shy (which it will take a while for me to break away from my shyness) aaaaaaaand be hardworking. I always believe that Rezeki, Allah is the one who gives. He decides who, what, how and when for us.

Drizzling Saturday. Every Saturday, visiting hair salon is a routine. There are a few things that I appreciate; facial, hair salon and massage. I may look simple and just like any typical makcik but I take great pride of my skin, beauty and health. It will be great if I am a fashionista but I am more comfortable in shirt, cotton blouse, denim and slippers or sneakers. Going to beauty salon is amazing because I get to catch on my sleep as I am pampered. It is not cheap but this luxury is really hard to let go. All these have to diminish as I enter student's life. It will be probably back to the days of DIY; eggs, yoghurt...

Today, my school is having this donation drive at Toa Payoh East CC. We dropped by before leaving for our hair appointment. I got my hands hennaed and we played a couple of games. I told my husband, we should play snooker or pool soon since it had been ages since we got married. I think I still have it in me but I am not sure if I can beat my husband. I am a competitive player and a sore loser.




Below is our very own Stompers and some of them are my students and dancers. At times, I feel it was only yesterday they entered the school and I scolded them or played pranks on them. They are wonderful kids and frankly, it is not easy leaving. I am trying to numb myself at times, my way of defending my heart. I even have the thought of not attending Teacher's Day celebration because I just do not want to reveal my feelings. It probably will not be fair to the kids but again, what if the kids do not give a damn. I am just so embarassing.

The Stompers.

It is really sweet that these kids are willing to dress up as superheroes to promote the event. Wonderful kids that will be graduating soon.

The bears made by teachers to raise fund for our students. The bear at the top with gorgeous rocker curls is made by me. He is a Mat Rock bear. Alhamdulillah, he made it to the auction as there are a few who want to own it.

The day ended with a family centered Kenduri at our neighbour's place. My heart almost break when Kak Noris said to her relative that she will not have a neighbour anymore. We may not be neighbours Kak Noris but we definitely going to be close and in touch. I promise.

the paces in life

This is breakfast on Sunday morning. Red velvet topped with thick cream cheese frosting by Pastry Galleria is a luxury and priviledge by my brother's fiancee. So far the best red velvet I tasted and how I wish that they will have another red velvet workshop before I leave Sg. Perhaps if I can get like 20 interested individuals, they do not mind conducting another workshop during Ramadhan. I will try asking around.

My brother got engaged to my mother's look-a-like eventually after almost 7 years of relationship. Hence, the delicious cupcake that I got to taste courtesy of his fiancee. Marriage is amazing because your family just grow. From a sister that I have always have a love-hate relationship to another two sisters. From an individual who used to be care-free ( this is no panty liner) to a more grounded family  person who treasures friendship and people. I am still a sceptic and individualistic but not as bad as before. After the death of my brother in law and losing touch with my one month old sister in law, I am all thankful for my sister, sister in law as well as Frana. Little Iza is also a blessing to the girl power that miraculously encourages me to begin a family. Just that, it still has to wait just for a while. I hope that when I come back to Sg, I will be at least 3 months pregnant. I really want to hold my own children, raise them as well as Allah permits and witness them turn into fine responsible adults. We have almost enter into 6 years of marriage and I really hope 7 will be our lucky number, the blessed one.

Two months more and Insya-Allah, we will be welcoming our first nephew and London as part of our home. There are still a lot to settle here and most importantly, finding a good samaritan who can take care of our Bibi and Bang Bang for a year. These are our two earlier commitment and it is not easy to leave them. However, I am responsible of building a better life for my family as well as them. Ya Allah, ketemukanlah kami dengan orang yang baik dan sanggup menjaga kucing-kucing kami dengan baik.

 Bibi watching National Geographic Channel from her box.